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• Listen to what the survivor has to share, without interrupting or talking about your experiences. 

• Tell the survivor that you believe them and that this was not their fault. While sexual violence is never the survivor’s fault, survivors often blame themselves or are blamed by others for having been abused, stalked or assaulted. It is important to convey that no matter what they did, consumed, wore, or any other factors, the perpetrator is the one who chose to harm and violate another.   

• Allow the survivor to experience a range of emotions. Do not minimize their emotions or tell them that their experience “wasn’t that bad” or “could’ve been worse.” 

• Remain as calm as you can and refrain from outward displays of emotion like yelling or crying. It is normal to experience a range of emotions yourself, but overt displays of emotion can sometimes make the survivor feel like they have done something wrong for sharing, or like they need to take care of you.  

• Offer to connect them with resources if interested. Meeting with a CSAW advocate may be a good place to start. Our advocates can also connect students with community resources that would be the best fit for their needs. Learn about some community resources and 24/7 resources here. 

• Mirror the survivor’s language and don’t try to define or label their experience for them.  

• Respect their decisions about how they choose to heal, seek support, and respond to their experience, even if it is different than how you would respond. Do not pressure the survivor to report or not report to the police, share with others, or go to the hospital. There are many factors that go into a survivor’s decisions, and it is okay if you do not understand their choices. 

• Keep what they share private, but seek support for yourself and process your feelings with a confidential resource such as a therapist, CSAW advocate, or CAPS staff member. Many organizations that work with survivors also offer services to family, friends, and partners of survivors.  

Supporting a friend who is in an abusive relationship can be challenging. You may be upset, confused, or even angry with a friend who cannot recognize or end a relationship that you believe is abusive. There are still ways to support a friend who is in an abusive relationship without supporting their relationship, and your support can be a crucial part of the healing process. 

• Listen actively without shaming or judging. Abuse victims often feel shame and guilt about what they have experienced, which may prevent them from sharing their experiences with others. Make sure your loved one understands that the abuse is never their fault. The only person responsible for the abuse is the person who chooses to abuse and harm another. 

• Believe the survivor when they tell you about their experiences. Many abusers seem friendly and well-adjusted while around others, but behave very differently behind closed doors. Do not defend the actions of the abuser or make excuses for their behavior.  

• Be honest about your concerns and let your loved one know you are concerned for their safety. This might look like saying “I’m worried when you tell me that your partner isn’t letting you go to your yoga classes because the instructor is a man. That doesn’t seem healthy to me. How does that make you feel?” 

• Be present in your loved one’s life as much as is possible and comfortable for you. Encourage your loved one to participate in activities and stay connected with people outside of the relationship. Abusers often isolate their victims, making them feel alone and in turn more dependent on the abuser. Understanding how contribute to abusive relationships may help explain why your loved one keeps canceling plans or missing your calls. 

• Help them create a . Safety plans can be helpful even if someone does not intend to leave the relationship.  

• Continue to support your loved one, even when you do not support the relationship or their decisions. There are many reasons why victims stay in abusive relationships, including fear and shame. They may leave and return to the relationship many times.  

• Remember that you cannot “rescue” your friend, and it ultimately must be their decision to seek help or leave the relationship. 

• Take care of yourself. Supporting someone in an abusive relationship is difficult, and it is okay for you to take breaks, set boundaries, and seek support for yourself. Many community organizations that work with relationship violence also offer support services for family and friends. 

• Encourage them to talk to people who can provide help and guidance. Connect your friend with CSAW advocates or explore other resources with them.  

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Learning that a partner has experienced sexual violence, relationship violence, or stalking may be overwhelming or upsetting. All of the strategies we’ve discussed for supporting a friend still apply, but there may be special considerations for romantic or sexual partners who are supporting someone who has experienced harm.  

• It may be hard for a survivor to be intimate after an experience of violence. There may be major changes in your romantic or sexual life. Understand that they may not want to have sex at all, or they may be uncomfortable with certain acts, positions, or sensations that used to be a part of your consensual sexual relationship. Respecting your partner’s boundaries and comfort is always important, but it is especially important after of an experience of violence.  

• Listen to your own needs when it comes to sex, romance, and intimacy. You may find that your own feelings about sex, touch, and other sensations are impacted by the experience of trauma your partner shared with you. You may also experience feelings such as guilt, shame, or frustration around your own sexual desires. Consider ways you can explore these feelings on your own, without judgment. When you feel ready and it feels appropriate, communicate openly with your partner about what you are thinking and feeling when it comes to sex and intimacy.  

• If you are engaging in sex, consider making a plan with your partner to check in with each other before, during, and after sexual activity. Take inspiration from folks in the kink community and create a plan for safe words, safe actions, and aftercare. Although it is common for survivors to struggle with intimacy, every survivor is different and everyone responds to trauma differently. If your partner expresses that they do not need to take it slow or have check-ins, believe them. It can be frustrating for survivors to feel like their experiences have led to people treating them like they are “fragile” or “broken.” 

• Learn about the impacts of trauma. Understand that healing takes time, and your relationship may look differently as your partner processes and begins to heal from their experience. They may struggle with activities or hobbies that you used to enjoy together, have trouble trusting you or others, or even direct their anger at you. 

• Connect them with resources. While you may love and want to support your partner as much as possible, it is okay to admit that you are not a professional and are not able to be their entire support system. Connecting with a CSAW advocate is a great place to start, and you can learn more about other resources here. 

• Take care of yourself and seek support. It is okay and normal to experience a range of emotions about this and the impact it has had on your partner and your relationship. Speaking with a professional can help you explore these feelings and prevent you from feeling resentment towards your partner.